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Sit very still when you’re in public; you’ll find that men will have a better view of your angles if you sit like a statue. Apply foundation but have perfect skin so when you apply it it doesn’t actually look like you’re wearing makeup. Always wear blush so whenever a man looks at you, they think you’re blushing for them. Be thin and always show your stomach so they know you aren’t lying.
A SERIOUS WARNING
Either stay a virgin or have sex constantly
If you aren’t thin, you must compensate by having the perfect hourglass figure. Under no circumstances must you have any body hair, ever. If you don’t look like a pristine nine-year-old you haven’t done enough. Being human is repulsive and unhygienic to men and if you have any stray hairs that don’t belong to your scalp, eyebrows, or eyelashes, you will never successfully appeal to a man’s desires.
Have long hair because if you cut your hair like Audrey Hepburn, and you aren’t Audrey Hepburn, one of two things will happen: you will either be viewed as a lesbian, and therefore unavailable to a man’s desire, or you will be viewed as a “hot mess”. Either stay a virgin or have sex constantly, any balance and you’re not sexy. Keep your posture dignified but slouch ever so slightly so that men understand that you aren’t too proud, and you won’t try to stand up to them.
NEVER SPONTANEOUS
Be funny, but don’t develop your own sense of humor. Analyze the man who might potentially be interested in you and identify the type of jokes he likes and adjust accordingly. Like sports, but don’t be too vocal about your passion because men will identify you as a “tomboy”. Don’t, ever, ever, be vocal about any problems you might have with the man that chose you or you will be viewed as high-maintenance and needy and he will leave you immediately. Don’t ever assume he likes you for your personality or your brain, because you don’t have one, remember?
If you do happen to be one of the cursed women that does have their own opinion, which you must never have, hide it at all costs. Pretend that you have no idea what a man is talking about. Have them explain it. This will help them assert their superiority. Whatever you do, don’t voice your opinions. If you do, you will instantly become less attractive.
ANATOMY LESSON
Your brains should be in your breasts and your ass and you should never explore the thought that you are more than your body. You will gain too much power and that is what you want to avoid. If you do become too powerful, you will find men start to avoid you.
If you do all of this, you won’t achieve perfection; perfection is unattainable. That’s okay, but don’t ever assume you can be more than “okay”. Always remind yourself of that. There is always going to be something wrong with what you say or what you do, don’t forget that. Ever.
AUTHOR’S NOTE:
I sent this to a couple of my friends and within the first five minutes I got a mansplanation of how pubic hair is unhygienic. I then received a response from a boy so frustrated, his argument morphed into the fact that it wasn’t considerate to others if a woman didn’t trim her hair down there.
About the Article
A tongue-in-cheek glance at how women should appear to a man.
